Letters to You: Hopeful Family Spotlight: The Walker Family

We were selected as the spotlight family over at Letters to You (a WONDERFUL blog written by K, a birth mother who shares her journey through adoption). I'm so thrilled that K is sharing our story with her readers!!! Please check out her blog and read about her story!

Weekend Special: Hopeful Adoptive Family! The Walker Fam

Cat has been amazingly patient with me in getting this post ready and up! But after 2 weeks of delaying-- it's finally here!! After you read about them here, head on over to their blog and check her out. She's hilarious and exceptionally honest :)

Who are these people??

Steve and Cathy and their son Gus!

Here are five interesting things about Cathy:

1) I am a twin (I have a twin brother)

2) I can wiggle my ears

3) I speak fluent Pig Latin

4) I’ve been an Elite Yelp member for three years straight and I’m quite proud (2010, 2011, and 2012)

5) I was a Scholastic Teacher Advisor for two years and I am currently a member of the Scholastic Mom and Dad Squad! I get to review children’s books and they post my reviews online and in the Book Club flyers!

Here are five interesting things about Steve:

1) He has traveled all over the world and yet his favorite place ever is home

2) He’s a HUGE Cincinnati Bengals fan and has been since he was a little boy

3) His favorite car is the Ford Mustang

4) He reads the newspaper every single day

5) He went to Space Camp TWICE as a kid!

How, when, where, etc did you and your spouse fall madly in love?

We met online (love@aol.com which is now match.com) in 2004. He was on my “hot list” and so I sent him a wink. His profile heading was “Are you looking for your prince?” so when I messaged him, I said, “I’m looking for my prince!”

He got me as one of his “hot list” matches and had saved my profile. When I first saw his picture my first reaction was, “He has cheeks just like mine!” :-)

We ended up Emailing and IMing for about a month before moving to talking on the phone. Through emails and IM chats, we really grew close and I felt like I knew him more than anyone else. I shared things with him that I hadn’t shared with anyone else and he did the same.

We decided to meet after a month of communicating and decided to go to Mass together. On March 6, 2004, I drove to his apartment and we headed to Mass together. While we were in church, he held my hand. I was smitten. We went back to his apartment and made dinner together and spent the entire night laughing and it just felt like the part of me that had been missing my whole life was finally there. For the first time ever, I felt whole.

We have been inseparable since our first date. We got engaged in September of 2005 while camping with friends and I was totally not expecting it at all. It was perfect and while it wasn’t “romantic” it was totally us.

Our wedding was on July 8, 2006 and we got married in the Bahamas. We were married at noon, both of us were barefoot, and we said our vows while standing on the beach. It was the most incredible experience. Within an hour of being married, we were lounging in the pool sipping tropical drinks as man and wife.

Have you adopted before?

Yes! We adopted our son Gus in May of 2010.

Share your journey to adoption. Why now? Why adoption? What has helped get you through your journey?

As soon as we got married we started trying to build our family. It was fun and exciting at first, and then after several months of no success, it because worrisome. I read the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and we started charting EVERTHING.

Through charting, and taking my temperature every morning, we realized that I was not ovulating regularly. I took all my data (almost a year’s worth of charting) to the doctor to find out what was the problem. I had blood-work done, lots of tests, internal ultrasounds, and found that there’s nothing wrong. I’m just not ovulating monthly (but I do ovulate). Her advice was to keep trying and hope that our timing would be perfect.

We tried for five years. It was agonizing and I had repeated visits to the doctor to find out if there was something else going on. It was determined that I have “unexplained infertility.” I’ll never forget the feeling of desperation each time we took a pregnancy test. We had the hopes and dreams of it being positive and our lives changing forever… only to be met with a negative test, and feeling destroyed.

The endless tears, depression, and stress on our marriage was taking its toll. We knew that we could overcome anything placed before us, but it was so hard to be denied the one thing that we both wanted more than anything in this world. We KNEW we’d make great parents and knew we could give so much to a child. We just didn’t know why it wasn’t happening for us.

Neither of us wanted to go through the IVF route. Not only is it super expensive, but more often than not, painful, and leads to multiple failed pregnancies. We didn’t think we could handle anymore setbacks and disappointment. We decided that instead of putting ourselves through that, we’d adopt. We both have adoption in our families and had talked about adopting at some point in our marriage, so it wasn’t too difficult of a decision to reach. We knew there was a risk of a failed match, and knew that at any time, a birth mother and father could decide to parent, but it was a risk that we were willing to take.

We started the adoption process in December 2009 with an agency in North Carolina (where we were living at the time) and finished our home study in March of 2010. We became an official waiting family in April of 2010. We shared our “live” profile with friends and family on Facebook and via email.

At the end of April, we went to MI (where we lived before moving to NC and where I was born and raised. While on vacation, my cousin contacted me about our adoption profile that I had recently posted on Facebook. Her coworker’s niece was pregnant and looking to adopt, and my cousin had shared our profile with them. They loved what they saw and wanted us to adopt the baby.

We were SHOCKED. Our agency wouldn’t work with us because the adoption would be taking place in another state, so we used an attorney. My cousin had called us on May 3, 2010 and we were told that the birth parents didn’t know the gender, and the baby was due at the end of May/beginning of June.

We had JUST ordered our crib the day before (my parents bought it for us and it was being shipped to our house in NC while we were on vacation). We arrived back home from vacation on May 8^th… the crib was there. Steve put it together on May 9^th and we unpacked from our trip.

On May 10, 2010, while sitting in the car, while waiting to go into a Durham Bulls baseball game, we got a phone call from the aunt (my cousin’s coworker) that her niece was in labor! We freaked out and immediately headed back to the house to pack. We made some necessary phone calls, threw all that we could into a bag and drove 12 hours to get to the hospital for our son’s birth.

Our journey has been amazing. We have the most incredible open adoption and feel that we’ve gained another tree into our family orchard. Our son’s birth family is as involved and important to us as our own biological families are. We see all sides of our family equally and send texts, emails, pictures, and FB messages equally to all of them.

How did you come to the decision to do an open adoption?

My twin brother has two children with his fiancé. When his fiancé had given birth to their first daughter Lily, I had a feeling of so much love come over me. I was madly, deeply in love with my niece and couldn’t wait to meet her. We were still talking about adoption but had not started the process yet.

We’re her God parents and love her so much. While attending an information session with our agency, we were talking about the pros/cons of open/semi-open/closed adoption. I had a realization that my brother’s fiancé, whom I LOVE and ADORE, could decide at any minute to take Lily and leave Scott, and we’d never see Lily again.

It was a devastating thought. It literally brought a flood of tears just thinking about what it’d be like to know I had a niece out there and not ever get to see her, hold her, or know her.

That’s all it took for us to decide that open adoption was the only way for us to go. Not only does the baby have birth parents that are making a decision, but they have extended family members who are impacted by the decision they make to place the child for adoption.

The thought of having a baby and denying aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, and cousins the right to know them was unacceptable. We knew then and there, that we wanted an open adoption. Even if the birth parents decided not to have anything to do with the baby, we wanted the extended family to have the right to know them.

What is your ideal birthmom like? Describe your ideal adoption. Is it open? Closed? Do the birth parents live geographically close? Are they in another state? Are you hoping to adopt international, foster, or domestic, newborn?

Our ideal adoption situation would be to have a birth mom AND birth father in the picture. We’d love to have a situation where two people make a plan, choose us, and wants to be part of our family. We know it’s not always possible and the chances of a birth father being in the picture aren’t statistically great, but in our ideal world, that’s what we’d have. We feel that birth fathers are just as important as birth mothers!

Our ideal birth mom/dad would be 100% certain of their decision to place their child for adoption. They’d have the support of their families and would want their extended family members to be as involved as possible as well.

We’re really only interested in open adoption. The circumstances would have to be very particular for us to decide on a closed adoption. Otherwise, we only want an open adoption. We feel that in an open adoption, EVERYONE wins. While the birth mother/father are not parenting, and it’s a decision that they’ll have to face for the rest of their lives, in an open adoption that works, they get to be part of the child’s life forever and still hold a very important role in their life.

We’d prefer to be geographically close, but that’s not a must-have thing for our adoption of baby #2. We aren’t looking to adopt out of the country though, so it’ll be a domestic adoption. We live in Georgia right now and would love to adopt in the state of Georgia, but we’re open to other states.

When we adopted Gus, we were held in MI for TWO MONTHS waiting to get to come back to NC with him. It was so hard… hopefully if we adopt out of state again, we won’t have the same problems as we had the first time!!

We are hoping to do domestic newborn. Child number three might be through foster care… but it’ll be a while down the road before we go that route. At some point though, we do hope to foster-adopt a child.

What advice do you have for other hopeful adoptive families?

If you’re with an agency, don’t get wrapped up in what other people are doing and don’t get jealous when someone else has their moment. When we were first waiting, it felt so competitive and we felt jealous at times when we’d see matches happening or babies born to families. We’d ask, “Why not us?” I was checking the blog daily to see what was happening and if any new matches took place overnight.

We learned that God has everything figured out and it’s best to just trust in His timing. The baby that you’re meant to parent will come to you when it’s time.

I feel like I had an epiphany recently about this. Just because we’ve adopted doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt anymore than we’re infertile. A great friend of mine (she also adopted a child), posted a blog post about this and it was enlightening. I came to the conclusion that had I been able to conceive a biological child, there’d be no Gus in my life. We were meant to be his parents and had we had biological children, we never would know him. It brought a sense of peace and comfort.

While I think you need to let things progress as they’re meant to happen, if you’re waiting a really long time (over a year), do something about it. Share your profile with as many people as you can, network, post on Facebook, get your name out there. You have to be proactive and take some control… and don’t give up hope.

We’re excited to start the process again in 2012 and think that Gus is going to be an amazing big brother. He loves babies and as he gets older, he’ll only be more ready for a sibling. I love that he and his sibling will share being adopted with each other.

So how can you find out more about this awesome family??

If you're interested in reading more about their adoption journey, check them out at Here We Go Again

Or you can check out their adoption profile on Hoping to Adopt.org!

Cat is also wonderful about responding to email: Steveandcat@steveandcat.net :)

Dear Sweetheart: Hopeful Adoptive Family Spotlight

I'm so excited to share this! We are the featured spotlight family over at Dear Sweetheart!!


Here's the post:

Hopeful Adoptive Family: Walker Family Spotlight

**How did you meet your spouse?  How long did you both date before you decided to get married?  How long have you been married?**

Steve and I met online actually! I was on love@aol.com (now match.com) and he was one of my "pics" of the week. My first thought when I saw his face was, "He has cheeks like mine!" I "winked" at him to let him know I thought he was cute. His profile headline was, "Are you looking for your prince?" He had me as his "pic of the week" too and had saved me under his "hot" list (lol). We emailed for about three weeks and then he called me (I was about to get my car washed and had like five minutes to talk). We had our first date on March 6, 2004 and it was an instant connection.

We wanted to start off as church buddies, since he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship. Our friendship progressed to a deeper connection and we felt like we had known each other for years, when it was only a month!

Our first date started with going to mass, then we went back to his apartment and made dinner together and then we looked through pictures and videos of his friends and family. It was the greatest date of my life.

We have been inseparable since March of 2004 until present. Steve asked me to marry him on September 17, 2005 while we were camping with some friends. We got married in the Bahamas (barefoot on the beach) on July 8, 2006. This past July we celebrated five amazing years together.

**What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;)  ]?**

I appreciate so much about Steve, it's hard to pick just one. If I did have to pick one quality/characteristic that I value most, it'd be his ability and willingness to communicate. I feel very strongly about communication being the key to all successful relationships. Steve is open, honest, and values our relationship. We don't fight. We might have a disagreement, but we always talk it out and in the end, we can agree to disagree, but we never fight. We both feel that what we have is too important and we don't sweat the small stuff.

Steve says that he appreciates my humor and ability to laugh at things. He likes that I don't take things too seriously, I'm low-maintenance, and I'm fun to be around. 

**Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family?  If so, how did these traditions begin?**

We celebrate Gus's Adoption Day (April 15) every year, as it's a very special day for us as a family. Last year we celebrated by going to a pottery place and we painted a platter and put our handprints on it. It's beautiful. Not sure what we'll do this year, but it'll be special and something we do together as a family (and just us).

We also go up to Michigan twice a year (the months always change). We go up to see my side of our family, and Gus's side of our family. We're hoping to start a tradition this year, of going up and doing a camping trip with all of my side of our family (my brothers and their families, and my parents). It should be really fun for Gus to spend great time with his cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

**If you currently have children, how many children do you have right?  Are they biological?  Are they adopted?**

We have one son, Gus. He was born on May 11, 2010 and he's adopted. He's the love of my life and the answer to so many prayers. He's special for so many reasons and is loved by all who meet him. He's got a dazzling personality and is just completely delightful to be around. He brightens each day and brings a smile to my face just thinking about him.

**If not already explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?**

I always wanted to adopt. My mom was in an orphanage for a brief time as a child and it always perplexed me as to how she (being as amazing and wonderful as she is) could be looked over by anyone. So, it was always something I wanted to do when I was older.

When Steve and I got married and started trying to start a family, we were faced with four years of agony. I never stressed too much about it because I knew adoption was something I wanted to do anyway, but I had wanted to have biological children first and adopt second. God had a different plan.

One day after school, my room mom came to see how I was. She and I got to talking and she asked about my family and if I had any kids. I shared with her our struggle with infertility and she shared that she and her husband had adopted their youngest daughter. She gave me the name of her agency and I shared her info with Steve while we were celebrating our 3rd anniversary at the beach.

Steve wasn't ready to start the process until that October. It took him three months of praying and thinking about it before he was ready. When he was ready we started the paperwork.

**How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?**

I didn't really know what to expect. We were told that we wouldn't be able to adopt a healthy child and to expect a child born addicted to something. We were told that we'd probably not be adopting a Caucasian child and to be prepared and ready for an interracial adoption. We were told that birth fathers are not in the picture ever... So be prepared to only deal with the birth mother.

Everything that we were told was the opposite. Our son is Caucasian (blonde hair and blue eyed), he was born to a mother who never used any drugs and didn't drink while pregnant. Our son has a birth mother and father (who are still together) and they BOTH love him and are active in his life.

I don't know if we're living the exception to the rule, but we have an incredible open adoption and hope to have something as great for the second time around.

**If you currently have children who are adopted, what is your current relationship with the birth-mothers/birth-families of your children?**

Because we live in another state from them, we don't see them as much as we'd like. That being said, we don't see our own families as much as we'd like, and we try to keep ALL sides of our family as connected to us as possible.

I think we're pretty lucky to have them as part of our family. Both sides of Gus's side of our family have welcomed us into their family, and genuinely care about us. We genuinely care about them as well.

When we head to MI, we see my side of our family, and Gus's side of our family. We include them in all aspects of our life.

Gus has a Facebook page and it's for all sides of his family. My side, Steve's side, and his biological side. They get to see pictures at the same time as everyone else.

I send weekly texts with pictures to everyone, we send presents and pictures, and they're no less important to us than our own parents. They send us gifts too and it's very sweet.

We feel so fortunate to have so many people love our son. He will never have to wonder where he comes from, what roots he has, or doubt if anyone loves him.

**If you currently have children who are adopted, do you have any traditions that their birth-mother's share in on?  If so, what are they?  (eg., my adoptive couple gives me an ornament every year with a picture of Baby Boy in it, and I love it and appreciate it so much).**

We try to make it to MI each year around his birthday so that we can celebrate his birth together (all of us) as a complete family. He got to sit on his birth mom's lap and blow out his candle last year and open presents while sitting on her lap. It was the most amazing day.

I send her something each year for Birth Mother's Day (the Saturday before Mother's Day Sunday).

Each year, just after his birthday, I make a video of pictures of Gus throughout the year. I always send her (and his birth father) a copy so they can see him change before their eyes (since they're not here to see it in person).

We send Christmas gifts. Each year I do something with his hand/foot prints and send it to them.

**How do you define open adoption?  What is open adoption to you?**

Open adoption is when everything is out in the open. There's nothing hidden and everyone is fully aware of the intentions, expectations, and realities of adoption. It's face-to-face visits, pictures, cards, letters, text messages, and correspondence that's not done through a facilitator.

To me, open adoption is everything. It's giving my child their future and their past all in one. It's making sure that when questions arise, we have a way to get answers. It's for the child COMPLETELY. It might be hard, and often it is, but ultimately, it's for the benefit of the child involved-- because THEY didn't ask to be born, and THEY didn't ask to be adopted. They deserve to have the best of all worlds... One where they know their story, they understand it, and they appreciate the choice their birth parents made for them to have the life that they have.

Anything but open adoption is cruel (in my opinion). I think there are circumstances where it's in the best interest of the child to not have a connection to their birth family, but it's still cruel to deny them the ability to know where they come from. It's cruel to deny the extended family the right to know the child that their family member decided to place for adoption.

With open adoption, everyone wins. Everyone.

**What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement?  (Would you like to attend Dr. appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc?  How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)**

We're talking ideal... So in my ideal world, I'd love to attend appointments, be there when the baby is born, and have this great relationship. However, it's not ever going to happen. I'd be so afraid to get "sucked in" and committed and excited to be a mom again, and I'd worry that it'd all be gone with a change of mind. I'd be afraid that the birth mother would decide to parent and I'd be devastated that I invested so much hope in the relationship.

I almost feel like birth mothers should not "match" with a family until after the baby is born, and she's 100000% certain that placement is what she wants to do.

But in an ideal world, I'd love a birth mom to trust us, open her life to us, and connect with us. I'd love to have a birth mom share her story with us and continue with it after the baby is born. I'd love to have her be the intricate part of our family that she should be.

**If you already have adopted children, in your experience, what part of the adoption process (pre-placement, placement, post-placement) have you found to be the most important to the building of the relationship between you and the birth-mother?**

We didn't find out about Gus until May 3, 2010. We had exactly one week from the time that we were "matched" with his birth family, to when he was born. In that time, we never talked to his birth mom or dad. We only talked to her aunt (she worked with my cousin and the two of them brought us together). It was so scary to not have any details worked out, to not know what she was thinking/feeling. I was so worried that she was going to change her mind, I didn't allow myself to get attached.

I think post-placement has been where the most growth has taken place with us and his birth mother and father (more so with his birth mom). We are Facebook friends with her and share pictures and she comments on them. She's opened up more and more as more time has gone by and it's been such a blessing.

She just sent us a package with a Valentine's Day card for our family, two stuffed frogs for Gus, and then she had one of her friends (he's in art school) hand draw a picture of our family. She had it framed and sent it to us. It was so unexpected and thoughtful. Our relationship has come a long way and it's only getting better and better.

**For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?**

It's so important that you follow your instincts and your heart. Don't do anything that you're not 100% comfortable doing. Deciding to place your child for adoption is the most agonizing decision you'll ever have to make, don't go into it lightly. Take the time to really determine what's most important to you and find what you think is the best possible connection with a family.

Don't let anyone pressure you into adoption. It's something that you'll always regret if you're not 100% certain. If you have doubts or hesitations, don't enter into something that will affect everyone involved. Adoption isn't for everyone, but neither is parenting.

You really need to make a list of pros and cons and trust yourself. If you decide that adoption is the right choice for your baby, go into it with an open heart, and really allow yourself to find the right people to raise your baby. Find people who will include you in your child's life. Be up front and honest, and speak your wishes.

Make sure that the family that you choose, values YOU, and isn't just saying what they think you want to hear. When you find the right family, you'll know it.

No matter what decision you make, you have to think about what's the best thing for your baby. I think OPEN adoption is the best of both worlds, but it's not for everyone. Good luck with your decision and keep an open mind. There are thousands of people looking to adopt an infant... Only one of them will be the right match for you. Decide what you'd ideally want your baby to have, and if you can't give them what they deserve, find a family who can.

Lastly, if you decide to place your baby for adoption, be PROUD of yourself. Don't beat yourself up, or think anything negative about yourself. You are ALWAYS going to be that baby's mom and whether or not your raise them, you will always be a significant part of the person that they become. The decision to place them into the arms of another person, is the most selfless thing that you can do. To decide that you cannot give your baby what you think they deserve, is the ultimate sacrifice. You should hold your head high and know that you're special, you're important, and you matter to that baby.

**Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?**

We do! We have an adoption blog and we're on hopingtoadopt.org and have a profile on there as well.

Here We Go Again (Our adoption blog): http://walkersadopt.blogspot.com/

Hoping to Adopt (Our profile page): http://www.hopingtoadopt.org/index.php/family/letters/448